As I have tried
to navigate through my difficult emotions and moments of frustration this week,
my journal has involved a greater amount of 'attempted' drawing or creative
expression. I am battling a fairly steep period of low motivation and a sense
of deep confusion / feeling lost, but I am very aware of my emotional state and
have continued to watch myself and move through these moments as an observer
(as much as I can) and am trying out different activities and modes of outlet
in response to these sometimes overpowering emotions. As I try to balance
between self-care, and pushing myself to face the demons, shadow or darkness (I
am not quite sure where I am going just yet); I do feel called to find or face
whatever this is as I make meaning of life in many ways. Things that have
happened externally, navigating this sense of confusion, yearning for clarity
and purpose. I believe the path/guide is internal, however, and the external is
a reflection or a illustrated story that I can, or perhaps need, to make
meaning of as I go deeper within. I am not really sure, but I do feel a nudge,
and I am curious or perhaps desperate.
So the focus of
my blog this week stems from my final stage of searching during our time at
ARAS. As I navigated my symbols, starting from 'twins' I followed through an
interesting series of books and symbolic illustrations. I moved into a final
book on 'gods and goddesses' and was drawn instantly towards an incredible and
complex depiction of the wheel of life which resonated instantly, and I feel
relates to much of the elements from my prior blogging as well as incorporating
all of my primary symbols. Though there are many variants of the illustration,
this is a close colored version of what was found in the book:
The wheel of
life, often referred to as the Buddhist wheel of life, 'bhavacakra' or samsara
is incredibly detailed and contains many layers of meaning worth exploring very
deeply. There are so many symbols contained within this illustration and themes,
it has a beautiful completeness that I have found relief in.
I wanted to
focus also on the piece that brought be to the illustration in the first place.
The god that was referred to as Yama, the god/lord/deity of death, who is
depicted here as the creature holding the great circle. Yama symbolizes the
inevitability of death, and importantly, impermanence. Everything that is
contained in the layers of the wheel and in samsara is transient, and all
things are constantly changing.
Both the theme
of death and change have been particularly charged in my present waking life,
and I find great meaning in this symbolic depiction. Non-attachment has always
been a challenge for me to truly grasp, or perhaps, accept but this is a
valuable and important reminder as I continue to delve deep and try to push
further into my spiritual growth and exploration. I have visited the wheel of
life in the past and hope to re-explore this much further.
I thought it was
interesting too how much overlap there was to me between the images of Yama and
Vajrashadhu (The protector shown in blog 1). The demon-like image, flame like
features, open mouth, wolf-like teeth, three eyes, and skull on the head. In
fact, goddess Kali contains much of this too. Of course, everything is connected.
Finally, I
include below a poem that came to me earlier in the week and really spoke my
current experience, but also I think to this idea of completeness and
acknowledging the many layers of ourselves or of life (unconscious, shadow,
poisons of existence, suffering):
--------------------
All
of me (Tina Ng - http://www.littlepieceofcalm.com/)
I hear your faint knocking
on the door
to the deepest chambers of my
heart.
Your knock is faint
and unfamiliar,
so I ignore it.
You persist and
Knock louder.
I tell you there’s no need
to go in there.
Knowing me up to
the entrance
of this door
is enough.
But you and I know
it is not enough.
For up to the entrance
is not all of me.
So you gently take my hand
and you walk with me
to the door that leads
to the deepest chambers of my
heart.
I turn to the door
that has fortified for so long,
the parts of me
that have been screened
from the world
and from myself.
I turn to you
and wonder how you’d be
once you see
all of me.
The ‘me’ that is
not made up
not filtered
not polished to perfection.
The ‘me’ that
is vulnerable
is wounded
is afraid
is flawed.
Will you still love me,
all of me?
You hold our hands
over your heart
and with a voice of reassurance and
love
you say to me,
“Whatever we meet in there,
We will meet it with love,
We will meet it together,
And I will not leave you.”
And with that promise,
with courage and trust,
I let you in,
to all of me.
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