Skull as Home (JH/ / #2 / April 15)

SKULL AS HOME 

This past week my symbol of a baby's head took new forms. I experienced this shift initally in the active imagination exercise of last Friday. Beyond the fragility of that tiny skull, I experienced the power of the energy inside that it held, that it housed. It was an energy that expands beyond the cranuim - an energy that connects with the greater of the all. The baby's head was now not only something to gently care for and support but to be in awe of. It was a remarkable shift. 

A big rock on the property we are building a new house on was broken up. It felt devestating. It was shaped like a cranium - the crown of a head that beautifully emerged from the womb of mother earth - It was crushed, and so was I as I didn't know it was happening.  Now a pile of smaller rocks  - those rocks that will be re-purposed - reborn into another life as a wall.

It was a familiar feeling grieving and then recognizing that the energy that the rock housed still remains and is in creation and is with us. Seven - or so - years ago, we built the house we live in today. In that process we had to tear down another house, a process I found difficult knowing how much life it had held. But it was time for growth. It was then that I came to terms that the life it held and protected and nurtured had grown from it. But it wass not the life itself. It was not the soul of what made that house a home. It was a womb - an important womb - for life to grow from. And, that it can also be difficult to let go of the old form as we move into the new.

Below is a poem about my rebirth the night at that old house. And, now I am incubating again...A new home coming...I will emerge a new expression of my self, my Self.

The Story of My (Re)Birth

I overheard him. It was easy. He was yelling.

“Doesn’t she see the models are thin?”

See them?

I felt them.

Their razor thin bodies

Shaved something from me.

What it was I don’t know.

Something I miss.

But he was the one that cut me

That had me cutting.

He threw magazines at her in his disgust of me

I threw up for years managing the disgust in me

But I couldn't get it out… I couldn’t cut it out.

It metabolized. This hollow.

What did she metabolize?

What did she take in?

She only gained 12 lb. with me.

Her pencil skirt zipped up the back as she left the maternity ward.

I was starving when I came into this world

And before. My hunger tethered to hers

Oh, how empty she was. Pregnant with me so I could fill her.

Oh, how greedy he was. Consuming me because he could.

“I will, Mom! I will!

“I won’t tell, Dad! I won’t tell!”

At 15 I sat in a dorm room and someone said I’d be a good mother.

I knew even then that I would never know. 

I had already given what I never had to give. The rest taken.

Too hungry to feed another. No matter how much I ate.

At 42 it came. 

The emaciated fetus.

It came in my dreams at night

Flashing before me in the day.

Boney head (flash)

Shriveled body (flash)

More frequent. (flash) (flash)

More urgent (flash!) (flash!)

The more it came. The more I tired.

The more it came. The more I cried.

I had to go away. I had to go inside.

I had to go.

I drove fast. A blur

Through tears and swollen eyes.

As I rolled down the window.

The officer saw my pain

An awkward pause

He shifted his weight.

“Be safe”, he said.

But he didn’t tell me how.

The empty house would soon be gone

Something bigger in its place.

Only what the Salvation Army hadn’t picked up remained

Dining chairs, a mattress, a few boxes. 

No lamps. No ceiling lights.

It would be dark.

This room. This womb.

Perfectly dark.

I stayed still. Very still.

I stayed hungry. Very hungry

Then it was time.

Time to become.

I stripped down.

Nude. Empty. Raw.

“Come! Come!”

The chairs in a circle…

“Yoganada! Master Choi Kok Sui! Jesus! Buddha! Vivekananda!

Be with me! Surround me! Help me! Please!”

I curled up in the center and I went in.

I curled up in the center and I fed that fetus

And, she ate.

Yes, she ate.

She was nourished

Nourished. Body.

She was nourished

Nourished. Soul.

Umbilical cord to the heavens

Divine love flowing…Divine love filling…

Receive child, take it in…

You are worthy, You are enough.

Receive child, take it in…

Get what you need. Get your fill.

She did. 

And she did.

And she got plump.

Fat on God’s love.

A warm bath..she moves

Turning in the water.

I whisper to her, There is so much here. 

So much for you.

When you are ready

Come out

 Out. For you

 Here. For you.

And then. It was time.

She began to emerge.

She felt

Hot  Cold

She saw

Dark  Light

She cried

Sounds  Her Sounds

Love

My Love

I searched the scrawl on the boxes

“Old Bedding”. Yes.

I opened it and found more than bedding.

A new gift for an old friend

Mistakenly packed

But not a mistake.

I open it, and take it out

I open it, and take it in.

A baby blanket

A pink baby blanket for this newborn baby girl.

Grateful and amazed.

This life is a dream.

Swaddled and warm.

This life is real.

We slept. 

We slept.

We slept

A deep sleep.

And then! 

And then!

AWAKE!

(_______________________________)

Energy rushed into me

Energy poured into me.

No words.

Only awe.

No words.

Only love.

I took it in

I took it in.

I am full

I am full.

Thank you, God

Thank you, my Salvation Army.