(Blog 1 NF 4/7/17)
I visited the old apartment where I spent 18 years of my childhood.
It has been years since I last visited. I do not remember the reason for the
visit, but I do know that the last thing I expected was to see a young woman
hung herself in my old apartment. I overhear that she is a young flutist. I
feel chills in my spine and horrified. I hurry back home. I feel safe as I see
my front yard with beautiful flowers. I am happy that I got out of that
horrifying place. I try to erase the scene I saw – the pale dead body of a young
woman. As I am looking around the house, I notice that there is a crack on the
wall. I feel immediately irritated. As I get closer to the wall, I notice that
there is something sticking out of the wall. It looks like a mouse-tail. I
almost panic thinking that there must be a dead mouse behind the wall.
Suddenly, the wall starts rumbling. In a few seconds, a big scary looking boar
is coming out of the wall. It starts chasing after me aggressively. I feel so
scared and helpless. I do not know how they got there, but I see my mom and
some of my old friends in my house. I feel desperate that I hope they would do
something to help me. However, they are just standing there watching me running
for my life. (The end)
It is nothing unusual that I wake up from irritating
nightmares. These nightmares affect my mood all day long if not for days. I
usually try very hard to just shake off the unsettling feelings after these
dreams. However, this time I try to understand what the narrative of the
unconscious is.
I realize that somewhere in my unconscious mind I am still
very much afraid of revisiting my childhood. The unconscious must feel that it
would be as horrifying as seeing a dead woman hanging in my old place. I find
it interesting though that the woman is a flutist. Maybe the woman is me, my
old self (I used to be a musician). Maybe I want my old self to be dead in my
past.
My current home symbolizes a safe place where everything is
peaceful and beautiful. But somewhere in my mind, I cannot truly enjoy or
accept this blessing - the serenity of my life. I look around the house “to
find a crack on the wall.” This represents my deep cynicism that I do not
deserve this happiness. I always fear that this peacefulness will suddenly turn
into chaos and I will lose everything again. The wall symbolizes the protection
I want or I have built. It divides from the dangerous world or a destructive
self. The crack represents any minor flaws that I notice. When I see anything
imperfect, even a small crack, I immediately feel threatened as I can already vividly
picture the whole house collapsing down on me. As I expected, behind the wall
(where I have no control over) there was a dangerous boar that can consume me
in the blink of an eye. According to Smith-Marder (1997), wild boars represent
the killing and devouring side of the mother-archetype in the mythologies of
Kali in India and Nut in Egypt. In addition, Smith-Marder (1997) argues that
“men and women must both content with the force of the Negative Mother in their
psyches; one does not need to give birth to be familiar with the inner
devouring mother. The wild boar can represent hostile feelings toward younger
people in our care as well as toward people who consult with us professionally.
This animal can also represent a destructive attitude toward new internal
development.”
Does the boar that tried to consume me represent the
(potential) threat that I fear deep in my mind - the threat that can destroy
all my efforts to have built a new life with my beautiful family and steps
towards my new career path?
It is also interesting that in my dream I did not call for
help when I was in danger. Even when I was clearly in a situation where I could
not manage to save myself, I did not ask for help. I was just hoping that they
would come to help me. I never knew I would want to be rescued…
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Ascent Place Inside the Wall
After running away from all for days and nights for years,
Crossing the Pacific Ocean and the Atlantic Ocean,
Feeling sound and safe away from all,
Why did I secretly travel back to the ascent place that I
convinced myself to be gone?
To see my pale body hanging from the ceiling?
To ensure that all is dead?
Did I know that everything I wanted dead has always been
just an inch behind my wall?
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Reference:
Smith-Marder, P. (1997). The Pig as archetype. Psychological
Perspectives, 35(1), 110-119.
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