Resemblance. Remembrance. : BLOG 4 NF 4/28/17

Resemblance. Remembrance.

Sometimes you look at photos or in the mirror, and you find someone else’s face in yours. It feels somewhat weird to me when that happens. Of course, depending on your relationship to the person you see in your face, the experience can be heartfelt or horrifying.

People say when you live with someone for a long time; you start to look alike: your spouse, your partner, your parent, or even your pet. Once I told the father of my son’s friend that his boy is looking more and more like his mother. The father’s reaction was, “Yeah, but it’s ok. He’s got my eyes.” I was wondering why people want their children to look like themselves. I was curious.

My son, Johann, is a halfy. (I did not know this word until he was born. For some reason, I like this word much better than a mixed kid.) As it is usually the case with halfies, it is hard to predict whom the child will look after.

At home, in our hallway, we hung pictures of Johann and his grandmother side by side. Johann never had a chance to meet his grandmother as she passed away in her thirties when my husband was still a young child. Strangely, Johann looks much more like his grandmother than either my husband or me. Because I know my husband’s love for his mother and all of the unspoken words, I feel so touched when I see Johann’s picture right next to hers, resembling her.

This week, I could not erase the image I saw when responding to the ancestors’ call. It started with pitch-dark black, then suddenly, the color transformed into an object, a leather belt. I got chills in my spine and I had to hurriedly find my way back to reality.

A Snake Skin Belt

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Words always failed me

No words could express how much I hated her

I did

He told me I resembled her

Because I resembled her

I was whipped

I was whipped  

Until the ground swallowed my tiny body

The long snake with its vicious tongue

Its skin and poison wrapped me around

Until my breath escaped me

Until the ground swallowed my tiny body

Now I see why he had to stay in the dark for thousands years

Until I come to summon him

Rest in peace

I release you

I see resemblance in a beautiful child

I am not afraid

Why were you

I do not fear resemblance

I release you

Rest in peace

NF

Tangled Wire: BLOG 4 DW 4/28/17

For some reasons, I feel that the more I try to untangle myself, the more tangle I become. I think that it’s best to let myself flow with the situation and be in the moment. I’d like to think that I don’t think too much but in fact, I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head. It’s just a matter of choosing to think about it or ignoring it. No matter where I look, I keep seeing wire because everything seems to be connected to each other – they don’t have to be blended as the same object to be considered connected, they can just have to simply touch each other on the surface to be connected. The thing about tangled wire is that there seems to be no beginning or ending, which is interesting because when I think of tangled wire, I think of a long, almost never-ending, wire that gets tangled by itself, not with other wires. Having one wire means that there’s one beginning and one ending, but it’s hard to tell which end is which end if the whole wire looks the same. This just reminds me that tangled wire, on the surface, despite looking complicated and full of endless possibilities, there will always be one solution in the end when you untangle it. The time it takes to get to that solution varies from person to person. As for myself, I feel that I’m very tangled right now, and it will take a while for me to get to that freedom level – to be completely free, to be truly untangled. Right now, I feel that it’s ok to be confused, take what life throws at me, and explore different options so that I can reach a conclusion later on in life of what it is that I have the most passion for and would continue to do for a lifetime.

The wire said to me:

“Untangle me any way that you like,

Though you’d have to put up countless fights,

That go on nights after nights after nights,

For you to feel that it’s truly right,

And reach out to that one bright light in your life.”

DW

Gestalt formation and destruction BLOG 4 AR 4/8/17

Gestalt formation and destruction

When I look at the mandala I drew, I like one thing about it.  It does look a little like a Gestalt figure. I see different things, depending on what color I focus on. To look at the mandala focusing on different colors helps the Sun, the yellow figure, to be perceived as more dynamic, as in motion. And that’s good. It reminds me of how Fritz Perls saw the Gestalt therapy happening. The primary need in the focus, once met, gives space for the next need to take the focal point. There is movement, there is dynamism, there is flow as figures form and get destroyed, needs emerging and getting met.

My symbol, the yellow color, became a concrete and full partner in dialogue. It says: “I gave you information and until you take action regarding this information, I will not give you more.” So I have no choice but to respond to that position with integrity and courage. I asked for information, I got it, now I have to act. But the symbol is there to help – synchronicities come.

Here’s one of them. Few days ago I was almost attacked by a young, tall, strong Black man on subway. He insisted I pushed him, and demanded apologies. I apologized. Twice, because he kept on standing above me and talked aggressively and because I truly meant well. However, at some point I felt uneasy. The guy was clearly in a psychotic state. Eventually, seeing my calm, he backed down and sat down across me. He started talking on the phone loudly and took pictures, I’m not sure of himself or me. At some point I changed my seat. Few minutes after, he followed me! I got up immediately and left, struck by his move. I felt panic. As minutes (seconds?) were passing, thoughts rushed through my head. Is he gonna ever stop? Will he leave me alone? Will he attack me? Will anybody help me? I decided to change the car. Even after getting off the train, I was looking around to check if he was following me. My God!

Flooded by feelings, I tried to soothe myself.  Why did it happen to me? I felt so unprotected and vulnerable, even betrayed (what if nobody would help me?)…

He, like a messenger, brought forth and up my old traumatic feelings. I already felt vulnerable, unprotected before, and betrayed by other people. I was not helped before but left like a road kill to bleed out. Hence my strong reaction. Justified, yet strong.  He brought these feelings up. The moment I realized that, I calmed down a little. I stopped drowning in panic. I understood something. Maybe this situation happened as a synchronicity. My symbol wants me to reconnect with old feelings so I can regain split parts of my old experience, my old me.
If I want integrity, I need to revisit and renegotiate old traumas.

Thinking about that situation and my Black dungeon, the company of the yellow Sun, I thought: if my dungeon is made of fear, what is this fear? Can I explore? Just like I explored my feelings evoked and caused by the guy on the train? That’s what my symbol tried to encouraged me to do: explore my situation and feelings. Do not stay in a frozen pose. Do not wait. Look around. Is there anything in the dungeon? Anybody, any things? I think I am going to follow that lead. I trust my symbols.

Xo.

P.S.

As I strive to restore balance and harmony inside, as I always did, the ripple effect of this action goes deep into my family. The balance and happiness come back. Everybody is pulled into the vortex of higher harmony.

AR

Forest-Blog4-XY-04/27/17

My new symbol is forest, the one I love and also sometimes let me scare. I love because I read some story in my childhood, all the elf lives in forest. They afraid of people, because they think most of people will hurt them, but they are kind and honest. Once they like you they will trust you all the time.

and also in China the great people and immortal went into seclusion, forest is the first choice of them, of course all of those are myth. Because of those stories, I always think the best doctor, poet, painter, carpenter and person who with high skill in Wushu all live in forest. In a lot of Chinese movie, when people got the incurable disease they will go to forest and find the greatest doctor. I always think forest having hope and is a lucky place.

The reason why forest make me scare is a really story happen to me, when I around 10 years old, I go out play with a sister who is my neighbor. I remember she teach me ride bike, after learning we ride bike around our apartment, I remember we went to a forest, and saw a guy who is tall and strong. I ask my friend “who is him?” my friend told me “be quiet, he is bad guy, he will be staking you if he find you” and after this, we hidden behind the trees, I cannot remember how long we stay there, but must be very long time. after he leave we back home quickly. When we go back I saw all of us parents at the front door wait us, they told us we leave very long time, they cannot find us, they were so worried. I always dream of this thing, and also someone chasing me, always only me in the dream, and the color of my dream is all gray and black. I am really scared about this dream, I try to find that forest when every time we go to that street, but I cannot find it, all the time my mother was so confuse what I doing. The interesting thing is after several years when I told this interesting to my mom and that sister, they all cannot remember it, they told me that never happened, until now I still don’t know that thing is real or dream, so I really fear of dark forest.